I don't want to be trans anymore

I don't want to be trans anymore. People are always telling me how lucky I am to be so passable, to have curves and be pretty etc. But my gender is coerced. I've always been gendered as female, even (or especially) as a kid.
I'm glad that the world is changing, that people can be who they want to be, to change things about themselves to feel whole. But I do want to say that that is not a privilege I was afforded. Even if this makes me a fucking imposter, I didn't choose to be this way. I am a man trapped in a trans woman's body.
I chose to identify as trans because it was less painful than to have my masculinity or my identity invalidated constantly. If I had a choice I wouldn't be trans. It's fucking lonely.
It's tiring only having people be attracted to you physically. Like all I've ever wanted from a relationship is to be seen, and to be loved, and to fucking settle down and have something real. But all I get is borrowed time, friendship, and a million excuses as to why I'm not worthy of the same kind of love other people (afab people) are.
I know, I just need to get used to it. I need to admit to myself that that just isn't the type of relationship people are capable of having with me. But that is so fucked and hard, to just be ok with, and sit with. That because of my genetics and socialization that I just need to learn to be alone and to be ok with it.
Fuck that.
I will eventually, I have to, but right now it just fucking hurts.